I guess I'm just supposed to post something I have

[scott travis]

And then you guys talk to me about it?
Ok. Here is one:

STOLEN

My heart is in pain
When your grasp, like a crude paradox,
Clentched
And squeezed from me
The dripping love and agony
From which my soul spreads.

My pulsating veins
Full of a tiny network of words
Rushed through
My limp heart, as it contracted,
And all of it's feeling
Washed under the sidewalk.

My hardened feet
Begin the journey
Of sheer misfortune, (sadly before),
And there is no return.

I hang within the present
As if tied to the arms of my burden.

My red, dry eyes,
So often they've sung
With laughter in their years
But now all they do is weep
Because the healer
Is but dust in my eye.




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[Hannibal]

This could use some elaboration.
Just a suggestion...
elaborate on some points...
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I hang within the present
As if tied to the arms of my burden<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Like there, expand a bit, talk about your burden, or describe it colorfully, I think it would make the poem a bit more...
not bad, but I tend to be a "detail" person I think... I dont know... just felt like it needed some elaboration...

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[BabsSheeeesBack]

I think someone better call 911 cause this chick might not make it through the holidays.

Sheeese.

[Generalkaos]

I gotta disagree on the elaboration issue. I think what you might want to try is a sort of indirect approach. What is it you're trying to communicate? Can you do that through one specific image that has many layers and is fertile with symbolism. For example, say, you choose to express all this through the description of landscape as seen on a journey. Take one specific point of the journey, create a picture of it and relate it through careful symbolism to the emotions you feel about this specific subject. It would add restraint to the piece so it doesn't come off as overwrought and also give you some fun imagery to play with.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.